I haven’t written anything in months. Well, not on here anyway. Actually, I haven’t shared any writings online anywhere. I disabled my Instagram and facebook so that I could go within and figure some things out. I figured the fewer distractions I had the better off I’d be. I’ve only been spending time writing in my personal journal. As I’m writing this I’m kinda at a lost for words even though I strongly felt the desire to write and share. I guess it’s because I don’t really know where to start. It’s almost like I don’t even really know what to say. I’ve been feeling a whirlwind of emotions lately and as I’m writing this I’m trying to gather myself because I suddenly feel a rush coming on. I’m sad that I haven’t been able to share and be in the creative flow I so badly want to be in. But, I know it’s important that I take time to care for myself, which is exactly what I’m doing. And, that takes lead over everything else. This is the first online journal entry I’ve written in years and I’m finding it difficult to let go and be vulnerable. Okay, we’re getting somewhere. I’m feeling fearful. This is why I’m at a lost for words. I want to write and share but it’s like I have stage fright and I”m suddenly lost for words. Ah, now it’s starting to make sense to me. This is actually the struggle I’m dealing with in my life right now. Fear. This is why I stepped away from social media and my blog so that I could face them. I’ve been running from things that are dear to my heart for many years and I’m at a point in my life where enough is enough. I’m tired. No, I’m exhausted. Extremely exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. And, it’s starting to way on me spiritually.
I shared everything I’m going through with a good friend of mine and she recommended I read, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. As I’m writing this I am currently on week five of the book. And, I’m loving it! It’s a twelve-week long study full of exercises and explorations that take you on quite a journey. As part of this study, I write three pages every morning in my journal and I go on an artist date with myself once a week. I feel like I’m getting to know myself all over again. I’ve been discovering…actually, I should say rediscovering things about myself I total forgot about. I’ve been painting, drawing, skating, hiking, dancing, listening to music VERY LOUDLY, watching shows and movies (I haven’t done this in years), writing, making videos, and going to counseling once, sometimes twice, a month. I’ve been documenting my growth on Youtube because allowing myself to be SEEN creatively and artistically is where I struggle the most. So this is where I have chosen to focus my time, attention, and energy the most right now.
I’ve never said this out loud until today, but I aspire to be an actress and artist. I no longer want to play it safe. I want to go after my dreams. So that’s what I’m doing and I’m doing it publicly.
I know I don’t have much of a following here but I am thankful to all of you who have chosen to follow my blog. Thank you. And, I apologize I haven’t posted in a while. Forgive me. I’m just busy these days trying to face my fears, grow as an artist and go after my dreams. So I’m taking the steps necessary to accomplish those goals. Thank you for continuing to support me and my blog. I do plan to post more regularly but it will be mostly in the form of videos and journal entries. I’m on a journey right now. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to get where I’m heading, but I do know I’m heading in the right direction.
If you’d see what I’m up to these days, check out some of my videos. I’d surely appreciate and love any support and feedback that comes from your kind hearts.